My dad wasn’t big on affirmations or lectures. It’s easy to remember the many witty and funny things he said but as life lessons go, with my dad it was mostly demonstrated by actions.
One time, my dad came to pick me up from secondary school for the mid-term break. Test results were released that day and I had come 29th – dropped 14 places from the previous term’s result. I was visibly unhappy about it: not speaking in the car on the drive home. During the journey, he offered me fast food (I don’t remember what) and I turned it down. I anticipated some reproach and was punishing myself, feeling that I did not deserve the treat. He asked me what the matter was, and after I told him, he said, “Someone must come 29th”. And that was it. We moved on. So many times in my life, I have had to go back to this moment - failure, or things not working out the way I’d like is just life, and never the end of the world.
Another time, he had been asking my siblings and me to tidy our room. We would tweak things here and there, but it wasn’t a huge improvement. Then one Sunday, we went to mass without him. We came home to meet our room transformed. Completely tidy. No words. No scolding. The lesson: he was never going to ask us to do anything he couldn’t do himself, and everything he encouraged us to do was only for our benefit.
My dad never pressured me to do anything. EVER. He would suggest, give his opinion, but nothing was by force. He believed that if you couldn’t reason with kids (yes, minors) to understand your point, applying force was a waste of time. I’m very thankful to him (and my mom) for boundaries, autonomy, and a healthy sense of self – which are now more useful to me in this new season of my life.
It hurts that he died at only 60, and will miss out on big moments in our lives. While there’s always so much to look forward to, I find some peace in knowing that in the time he had, he LIVED. He won’t get to meet his grandchildren, but he already spent over a decade being “Big Daddy” to our baby cousins. I don’t think he had any regrets. He enjoyed his life. He did good work. He quietly poured into people. He showed up for people. I’m not sure there’s more to life than this.
Thank you for everything, Daddy. I love you.